23 April 2014

UNCRUSH

  I am that girl who always have a secret inspiration. Inspired by the stories that had been told by my younger cousins and the imagery brought by the romantic books. In a very young age I am aware that I am very much enthusiastic of finding that someone special. That someday he and I will cruise in the same ocean. That someday, whoever he is, he and I will lay under the bright moonlight, name the stars, guess the constellation, and talk about each other.

  Well, I met one.

  It was the first week of high school, a flag ceremony is about to start. Everyone is rushing to find their place in the line. Some of the junior and senior students are acting as disciplinary guards. I wonder what they are for if we will just say a morning prayer, sing the national anthem, and sing the school hymn. The school hymn which I thought that ends “Let her blue and white butterfly”. That is why that day I was looking around particularly with the female junior disciplinary guard trying to figure if she heard me. I don’t want to spend a day in the Guidance Counselor’s office just because I did not do my assignment. How I am supposed to memorize it immediately? I was expecting her to go around and bark orders instead she was smiling. She was just there standing beside a boy, whom I never noticed the other days, wiping a sweat on his back and unto his nape.

  Now, I was told that as soon as I am in high school I am supposed to do things on my own with a little help once in a while. I was to expect the same from the rest of the student body. What I have seen that day would change everything. It would strengthen my belief in love, inspiration, and life. That sweet gesture of a caring sister to his younger brother was the start of my curiosity.  

  It blooms into a normal teenage feeling.

  That boy eventually becomes my ultimate crush. I do not need to give details on how it is being around him for the whole four years. Because I know that once in your life you had a crush too.

  Though I have moved to the city I have brought the feeling with me. Even though I had developed new crushes he was irreplaceable. Unintentionally, I get myself updated of his whereabouts including his recent love affair. It is because some of my friends know what he is to me. They know that I am not still over him despite of the very obvious circumstances. I am such a hopeless romantic.

  One day, I was sitting at my college’s lobby I suddenly remembered him. It made me cry because over the years I am still into him. I cannot move on to a different level of experience because I am stuck thinking of the “what ifs”. Poor me! The whole world is changing. The whole world is moving forward while I am looking back. Most of the girls in my circle have found the love of their life. I have to do something - something that is beyond my reach. It needs to happen quickly. What I have come up is a word. In which I borrow from Nikki a character in a TV show entitled “Be Careful with My Heart”.

  I have a realization.

  It is time to uncrush. The formula would be: Un + Crush = Uncrush.

 What I mean in this formula is simple. I have to acknowledge the feeling. Yes, I have a crush with him. Period. Now I am deciding to stop having a crush with him
   
  I cannot go on if my hands are full. I have to let go of that imaginary string that I have attached not just with him but with everyone I have secretly admired. That time is supposed to be over. I need to uncrush. After that I will heal my never really true heartache. Maybe I should start participating. Go crash my friends’ date. Kidding! Beyond everything I am happy that it was him. We may not become as what I desire but we are better off as former classmates, batch mates, and a not so close friends.

  I will always be that girl, one that believes in inspirations, crushes, love, and life. How about you?


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© KOSHE
Maira Gall